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Monday, May 22, 2017

"Just Fine"

Wrote this today...

"JUST FINE"

When you ask me "How are you?"
I'll pretend I don't hear you
I'll instead ask what's new
But what I'm really asking is if we can just talk about you
You look to me for an answer
But I have no clue
I tell myself internally to say something say anything stop being so rude
The possible answers filling my brain are bouncing against my skull already wracked with pain
Should I be honest and tell you?
Should I lie and save you?
Should I be honest and...
Can I even say it?
Will you even hear me?
Will my answering you heal me?
I cannot tell you how bad my soreness is and once again have you compare it to that summer you had the flu...
Because you had a fucking illness erased by the seasons, not a disease trying to erase YOU.
I cannot begin to explain how painful my own body has become, to my own body
I cannot tell you that I'm hurting, even though it's so bad I can't remember how many pills I've swallowed today
Swallowed dry because I fought through pain to reach for pain relief,
Only to forget the damn water.
Did I mention I can't remember how many pills I've had today?
1, 2, 3... no, wait...1, 2, 3... fuck it
I may not remember their names
But at least I can spell them
I will not say my body is weak
My mind is bleak
That my life is literally set out to wreak
Havoc on my life
Instead I will try to speak with my eyes
I heard once that eyes don't tell lies
If you can just see it and I don't have to say it maybe then you can sympathize, empathize
You ask again, gently
As to not scare away my answer before it even forms in my throat
"Are you okay?"
I'm looking at you
I want to be honest
I want to...
I clear my throat, smile, and say

"I'm just fine, how about you?"

-by Kisha Lee Hendrix

Feel free to share, however please credit me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Bitter and Angry? You Bet Your Ass I AM!

I may die from this disease. There may be nothing I can do to stop that. But mark my words... I will leave my mark. I will fight for change. I will scream, and curse, and be a complete bitch about it.
I've been accused of allowing this cancer to turn me into a bitter and angry person. That's half right. I most definitely am bitter and angry. Most righteously so. But cancer didn't make me that way. The way the system and society has treated those of us who are dying of this disease has made me so. The organizations who make us promises in front of the cameras and rebuff us to our faces make me so.

The sexualization and exploitation and sorority party type celebration of a disease that's stealing my life and the lives of hundreds of people a day make me so. The lack of funding for research to cure a disease that is killing people in epidemic proportions make me so.

So yes.

I'm fucking bitter.

I'm fucking angry.

I'm gonna stay that way until things change or until I'm gone.

Even then my words will still live on and be here in black and white.

So I will keep writing. I will keep telling it how it is. I will keep making people angry. If you choose a fucking pink ribbon over me because my words piss you off, then get the fuck on. Don't you dare have the audacity to pretend to mourn me when I'm gone.
I hope when people ask, that you tell them that I was angry and bitter and that I refused to be swathed in your pink blindfold, so no, we were not friends.
Because while you were attending your fun runs and your walks and your pink laden parties and coordinating your all pink outfits and tying your pink ribbons... I was #DyingForACure

You may think you are Susan G Komen, but
#iamsusan

I am #MetUp and fed up.

#StageIVNeedsMore
#komenforthekill
#sgkforGOTthecure
#PinkToBlack

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Living With Hope, Means You Aren't Living

"Living with hope means you aren't living". I know many wont understand that... but I do. If I only lived for the hope of my cancer being gone, then I would be so letdown the longer it didn't happen. I would be so focused on that hope, that I wouldn't know who I can be with cancer. I wouldn't ever realize my true strength, resilience, and character. I think I much rather be a person who truly lives her life despite the obstacles, than one who just lives without them. My obstacles have made me who I am now. Instead of being a disability, it has shown me my hidden abilities. They have helped me find my purpose. They have taught me to truly fight for me and what I see as important.  I hate what cancer has taken from me... I will always miss those things... but I love what cancer has brought to me. The people, the self love, the confidence, the acceptance, and the ability to strive to live despite anything that life throws my way. Not just to breath... but to LIVE. When you are diagnosed you have so many tell you that everything happens for a reason. I've asked what that reason could be so many times... well... I think I know now. Because without this obstacle I may never have realized my true potential. I may never have truly loved myself and accepted who I am. I never would have learned to fight when it feels impossible.  I never would have found true love. I never would have seen my faith in humanity restored. So even if this obstacle takes me out, it taught me to live first. In my opinion, not many get that. So I have to say, its all worth it. As much as I hate it sometimes... its worth it all.

Bring it... I'm ready.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Scanxiety... yes, its real

Scanxiety




Scanxiety, definition: The crippling, sucky, anxiety, and fear filled period of waiting after having any cancer related scan performed, where you sit and wait, and sit and wonder what the fuck this result is going to be and should you invest in paddles for a trip up Shit Creek.
Yeah... I made the definition up. Well... put it into my own words anyways.  But Scanxiety is a well known term in any cancer community. Its that period of waiting where we as patients get to sit and think and be scared out of our minds. We ask ourselves questions, such as "will it show something new? Will it show something worse? Will it show something better? Will it show anything at all or will we still be at square one? Will it show that I'm dying??? Will it give me an expiration date? Will it move my date up? Does it mean more surgery?"
Its not fun. Its not even okay. It sucks. Big time. Like huge monster donkey balls level of suckage. I know its not fun for our family/friends/circle of support either, because not only are they waiting and wondering with us, but they also have to deal with our cranky impossible temperaments while we freak the fuck out for an average of seventy-two hours minimum.
I'm dealing with this right now. After a MRI/ PET scan day on a Friday. Which means waiting until Monday... most likely Tuesday before my doc gets the results, and then waiting another few days until I actually go in to see him since my doc doesn't do the whole "give news over the phone" thing. He likes to scare you in person apparently. Okay... maybe that's harsh. I'm sure in his mind he thinks its more compassionate to tell you in person so he can comfort you, and answer any questions, and pick you up off the floor if you pass out... again. Yes, that happened. Just once. Don't judge me... Also don't EVER hold your breath waiting for a long winded doc to give you results.
Anyways... I guess I just want people to know this is a real thing. I also want people to know how terrifying it is. I'm metaphorically hanging on the edge of a cliff, and waiting to see if I'm going to slip further down towards my doom, or if someone's gonna throw me a rope. I''m hanging on by my fingernails, and afraid to look either direction, because I might jinx myself. So if I'm quiet, or snappy, or cranky, or pissy... just try to remember it really isnt you. Its me. Its cancer. Its scanxiety. And it sucks.
I'm scared. I'm really really really scared. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you or anyone else can do or say to make it better. Just be scared with me and let me know that you get that it sucks. Thats all I really need right now. That and chocolate. And Starbucks.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Sometimes It Just Fucking Sucks... and you should just say so.

Not trying to offend anyone,  but we all know I'm very honest.  So heres some advice:

If someone you know is dealing with a disease(s) that is trying to kill them,  and they just recieved bad news; for example that the disease or damage from said disease has progressed And caused more issues,  please know that it's a very hard blow.  There is a process that we all go through.  It's a little like the steps of grief. Disbelief, shock, numbness, anger, sadness, fear...  This process has to happen before we can get back up and fight again.  Being told to think positive,  or to not believe it,  is not realistic.  It actually can make us feel worse,  because if we aren't able to feel positive or optimistic, then it feels like there is just something else wrong with us.

Imagine if it was you.  You walk into a doctors office with a bright, cheery, optimistic attitude... But instead of being told you are getting better,  or that you are being given treatment weapons to fight with,  you are instead told that your disease has worsened greatly,  and there are no weapons to give.  That ultimately one disease may kill you within a short period of time; or that even if it doesn't,  the other disease will take away your eyes,  hearing,  ability to walk,  and turn your body into a personal prison.  That there are some weapons that can be useful, however your insurance doesn't think you are worth the cost.  How would you feel? How would you feel walking away from that conversation?  How would you feel walking away scared and sad and with no weapons?  Would you feel positive?  Would someone telling you to be positive work?  How would you feel if people kept telling you to just fight...  Yet you are empty handed because the weapons you need are being withheld; all because a company doesn't feel your life,  which you see as priceless,  is worth the money.

What if then you shared your pain and fear with people and they just kept saying to be positive and not to worry and that you shouldnt be scared.

Wouldnt that seem a little impossible?

Again,  I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings.  I'm just trying to let people know that those phrases can actually hurt instead of help. I know many times people jump to those platitudes because they don't know what to say.

Just be compassionate.  Say that it sucks.  Allow them to feel or say what they need to and allow them to feel justified in their feelings.  Commiserate. Empathize. Sympathize. Grieve with them.  Let them know their feelings of fear and sadness and anger are okay and normal responses to such horrible things happening to them.

For instance, if your loved one died,  and before you even left the hospital people were telling you to smile and that its all ok and that you shouldn't be upset,  that would be ridiculous...  Right? Not even a fast track through grief,  but just jump to closure.  Wouldn't that hurt a little and frustrate you?  So why do people do that when someone gets bad news about something they are battling, and it's considered the normal and right thing to do???

Being positive 100% of the time isn't reality.  It really isn't.  Not one person on earth has pulled it off.  I guarantee you.

I'm not positive right now.  I'm scared and angry and sad.  I'm terrified.  That's not giving up,  its normal. Its realistic. Its human. Which is all I am.

So please... Let me adjust to this new reality. In whatever way I need to.  

Once more,  I'm appreciative of all the love and support,  but also feel it's important for our lovers and supporters to know our side,  our perspective.